Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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