I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
