Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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