I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize