brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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