come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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