So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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