I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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