Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
