Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
