I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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