I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
