have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
