Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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