dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
