it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize