he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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