I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
