Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
