My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
