woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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