dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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