You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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