6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize