I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
