Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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