my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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