a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
