direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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