I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
