be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
