i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
