The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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