I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
