please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
