I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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