I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
