**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
