so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
