so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Panties = found
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize