I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
