I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
