Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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