you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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