Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
