Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I need to calm my uterus...
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
