I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
