He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
