I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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