I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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