so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
