So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
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