32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize