The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
