i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
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