Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
